19 May 2007

Well.

The unexplained crying jags have given way to a light melancholy, which I can cope with. Yesterday was completely absurd. My mother and I decided to see what was available in the line of maternity where here in nowhere'sville, New England, not that I need this sort of thing yet, but my clothes are starting to snug up, and my appearance is important in retail, so...

We went to every store in this town that sells any kind of maternity wear. Guess how many tops I saw that would be appropriate for work?

Zero.
Zip.
Zilch.
None.
Nada.

This is slightly incorrect. Technically, I could wear those stupid, fruity, brightly colored, big patterned shirts that have the cross under the bust and the floaty panel under the belly and the fairy sleeves. If I was 17 and pregnant, I would be in love with those. However, being 27 and pregnant, I have some desire to maintain my current appearance, which is...well, khakis and button down shirts for work.

I don't see why this is hard. I'm certainly not the only woman in retail who dresses this way, why is there NOTHING for me to buy to wear to work when I'm all gigantic?

Grr.

It didn't help that my mother was not on the ball with her self-editing yesterday. The couple of comments that just stopped me in my tracks: first, I commented on a couple of shirts she was saying were pretty and said "That's just not me, Mom." She looked me dead in the eye and said "Well, you're not you anymore. So there."

That stopped me, and made me want to cry in the middle of T.J. Maxx. I don't believe that I can't be me and be a mom. Yeah, things will be different, but I'm still me, right? The base material is the same, it's just that there's an added definition now. Someone tell me this is true.

Then, she asked me if I'd put on any weight since I'd gotten pregnant. Stupidly, I told her yes, probably 8 or 10 pounds. Then, with the grouchiness that I can only imagine hearing from a woman who has been on a diet my entire life, and who has completely forgotten that I was trying to get my body in shape before all this happened and my energy went out the window, she said "Well, you'd better slow down, if they only want you to gain 25 pounds."

I stopped and looked at her and said "We are not talking about this again, okay? Thanks."

I love my mom with all my heart, and she's treating me very well right now...sometimes she just talks before she thinks, ya know?

Anyway, I haven't knit a stitch all week, because with my sudden snitfits, it doesn't seem wise to have lace or Dale in my hands when the urge to break things arises. I do think things are levelling out -- it's like everything is going backwards, I got moody first, then sick, now the sickness is fading, and the moodiness returns.

I promise there will be knitting to see when you next visit this happy-go-lucky blog!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, you're still you - and you always will be!! It's just that we none of us stay the same, pregnant or not. Everything and everyone shape our lives, in this case, literally. I happen to know a woman who can sew . . . . . you might just give her a call and see what options there are. (And she happens to be on leave from work right now so!) xoxox

AlisonH said...

There's a maternity shop at Stanford Mall here I want to haul you over to right now, I don't remember the name, my baby's 19... There's no reason on earth you can't have real clothes. Yes, some people get into the frilly stuff only ever in their adult lives when they're pregnant, and some are blessedly immune to that particular onslaught of hormones (I confess to one dress in one pregnancy that I shudder at now.) Your mom's crack that you're not you, while having an effort at empathy underlying it, was just--well, (sorry Mom), a dumb thing to say (and I've certainly said my share of dumb things as a mom.)

Wear what you want, we can find it. It's out there.

Knit*Six said...

Kristine, of course you'll still be you. A few years ago my husband realized he was the same age his dad had been when Chris was 10. He'd thought his dad knew everything. So he asked him if, all those years ago, Dad had FELT like a superhero. Dad said: "Nope. I just made it all up as I went along." And guess what? He was a terrific dad! Just like you'll be a terrific mom...even when you're "making it up" as you go! Change is hard for everyone. Relax. Breathe. And be gentle with yourself. (And thanks for your nice comment on my stripey socks :-) )

Sheila said...

Of course you are still you. You never stop being who you really are. There will be adjustments but you as a person remains the same. And as for the insensitive comments, it's not a good time for those comments while you are pregnant. She needs to relax and let you be yourself.

Artemis said...

*huge hugs*

Keep breathing and loving your awesome self, and you'll be able to handle anyone's comments. You will always be you, and should always try to just be yourself. I was always most comfy around my own mom when she was being herself, not having to put on this mask of authority.. especially since my sister and I saw right through it anyway. :P

-Me.

Deb in CT said...

On the subject of maternity clothes, I shutter to think what I had to wear 20 years ago. I was selling computers on Wall St so had to wear professional clothes. I ended up in floaty, flowered dresses, mostly with white collars, because it was all I could find. Luckily, my mom made me a grey wool flannel jumper with pleats, it was the most "normal" outfit I could assemble.

As to being "you", of course you're still you and will continue to be. Look at it this way, you now get to help mold another little you. It's going to be great, the physical side effects of pregnancy asside. I hated being pregnant, felt in pain and sick for much of it, but it was so worth it. Hang in there!